I survived abuse as a child.
Three different abuses:
- 1. Physical
- 2. Emotional
- 3. Sexual
Three different abusers:
- 1. A loving, adored father: Unfortunately, he could also flip into rage and violence in the blink of an eye. I learned to be cautious even if life seemed good.
- 2. A narcissistic, sociopathic mother: I was a rival for attention so she viewed me as the enemy from birth. Sadly, I allowed her manipulation well into my adulthood since I accepted it as “normal”.
- 3. A violent, psychopathic brother-in-law: His favorite hobby was creating terror and his favorite method was rape.
I am still amazed at being alive today. But I survived.
Now . . .
I am surviving the return of traumatic memories suppressed for more than 50 years. Discovering that my life was not what I remembered was shattering – my entire identity was shaken. Realizing that my brain had deliberately lied to me was appalling. But accepting that this massive amnesia was actually a blessing was harder still. Even if forgetting is what allowed me the peace to create a happy adulthood I really hate that it was based on self-deceit.
Yet one of the hardest parts of this experience has been the tremendous anger/rage/fury that accompanied these 100+ new memories. Anger. Rage. Fury. I used to view those words as almost interchangeable. Now I realize just how distinctly different they feel, especially when mixed with frustration. Frustration. That’s one of the other hardest parts of this experience. All of my abusers are dead now so I have no one to confront, no one to chop up into little pieces. They are forever out of my reach. Instead I have to concentrate on the last of the hardest parts of this experience – coping. As a child I created my own way to cope. I discovered dissociation and amnesia as my way to survive the unimaginable. But those are no longer options so I have to learn a whole new skill set.
I am a survivor – so this blog is about surviving.