Jessica Meats
“The problem with heroes and villains is that it isn’t always easy to tell which is which.”
The cast of characters is always vital to any story.
Lester / Father
My father was smart, talented and had a great sense of humor. People loved him. Moreover, he was very particular with his appearance and looked years younger than his age. Lester was also a very involved father. He played catch in the yard with me, sat up all night by my bed if I was sick, and came to all my school events. In short he was absolutely wonderful . . . part of the time.
However, my father did have a few problems. One was his expectation of perfection in his children. That can be difficult to maintain. But his major problem was his temper. Daddy could go from jovial to enraged in the blink of an eye. And in that blink he became a stranger. With my mother these flips usually turned into screaming matches with only the threat of violence. With my sister and me it was different and a spanking quickly became a dangerous thing. His anger grew with each strike of his belt and he quickly lost control completely. Then afterwards he hardly remembered it. As a kid I learned to be watchful even when things were good because a stranger suddenly staring back at me through Daddy’s eyes was always terrifying.
Still, the good outweighed the bad with Lester. Even more importantly none of my recovered traumatic memories have been about him. Daddy was actually the good parent so I do not consider him a villain in my life. But he was rather flawed.
Alva / Mother
A few years ago, I viewed my mother as a nonentity in my early childhood. She was simply a hazy figure on the sidelines of my life. Oh, she cooked and cleaned and did other housewifely things, but she never hugged or kissed me in my life. She never gave anything even resembling affection or interest and completely ignored my school events. In fact, I had few memories of her before the age of 12. But recollections changed dramatically then. Suddenly, she was screaming almost daily about what a terrible person I was, how I had no personality and would never have any friends. I felt like she was trying to destroy me emotionally – and she almost did.
Then the repressed memories came back, and it was startling. I learned that she had disliked me from birth, viewing me as a rival for the attention she considered should be hers alone. As a result she would do little things to torment me even as a baby. At 2 she started sticking me in a closet if she didn’t want to be bothered. When I learned to open the door, she switched to locking me in a small trunk. I outgrew that so I was forced to lie in a footlocker for hours at a time, then later an outside utility room. And always she was looking for ways to get me into trouble with my father. There were also other things much, much worse.
Alva had an extreme narcissistic personality and the character traits of a sociopath. She was definitely a villain in my life.
Nicole / Sister
Nicole was and is the ideal older sister. As a kid she looked out for me, encouraged me and often protected me even though she was still a kid herself. Unfortunately, she did not know there were other dangers in my life besides our father. Since the return of my repressed memories she has also been incredibly supportive. She remains a hero.
Drake / Brother-in-law
He was the brother-in-law from hell, but to look at him you would never know it. Drake was good-looking, personable and made friends easily. He also had a ferocious temper and excelled at intimidation, although not many saw that side of him. With Nicole he was incredibly possessive and totally controlling. I considered him a bully. Drake was 25 when he married my sister, and 3 months later he began raping me. I was 9.
After one of the rapes at 9 he buried me in a shallow grave in the woods just to reinforce his command to never tell anyone. At 11 he raped and murdered another little girl right in front of me – again claiming it was a graphic lesson for me. It really wasn’t necessary. As he was then a Deputy Sheriff, I already believed he had the power to do whatever he threatened. At 15 he got me pregnant – then beat me to cause a miscarriage. So, I consider he committed murder at least twice. I was certainly not his only victim.
Drake was a psychopath. He was a rapist and a murderer, but his real thing was terror. He got off on creating intense, overpowering terror. Rape, sodomy, violence – those were just the tools he used to get it. Drake was a monster.
Myra / Aunt
Aunt Myra was my mother’s favorite sister. The two sisters came from a farm family, both born somewhere near the middle of a long list of siblings. Aunt Myra was also the wild child, something my mother wanted to emulate but my father kept pulling her back. As a kid I claimed her as my favorite aunt, mostly because we shared a birthday. But as I survived into my teens and adulthood I began to see how unstable she was. She showed up in some of my repressed memories in an unfavorable light.
Jason / Husband
Reading statistics on child abuse has been a habit of mine for years. The one of importance here is that most girls who are abused as children grow up to be abused as women. One study claimed it was 72%, a startling percentage. But studies like that make me appreciate even more marrying Jason. Not only was Jason not an abuser, he was the very opposite. Jason was an encourager. He LIKED that I was independent and LAUGHED about me being stubborn. He often pushed me outside my comfort zone to attempt new things – not something I always appreciated then but do now. Jason was intelligent, even tempered, and really cared about others. He also had a wonderful sense of humor, a quick wit, and was a natural born entertainer. He wasn’t perfect, but he was certainly good for me. 39 years together just wasn’t long enough.
Jackie / Daughter
I have an amazing daughter. Jason always said that even though she looked like him she actually took after me – so independent and stubborn are a given. She is also resourceful, talented, and caring. I am so proud of the woman, wife and mother she has become and grateful for the support she has given me through this ordeal with the repressed memories.
Sarah / Counselor
I found Sarah on the Internet. My doctor gave me a recommendation when I asked for one, but that counselor was very slow to return my call. So after about a week, I got online and read the bio of every counselor in the area. And there were many. But Sarah was the only one who stated that she applied her Christian principles to her counseling work, and I liked that. It turns out that she was also the only one in the area who was starting EMDR therapy. I find that amazing now since I did not have a clue what EMDR was. Now I know it is the best answer to traumatic scars. Working with Sarah has been a blessing.