“When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.”
Franklin D. Roosevelt
“But while you hang there flapping in the wind, ask for help.”
Lynne
We all need help sometime. I appreciate the help I have received at various times.
Childhood
“Words of comfort, skillfully administered, are the oldest therapy known to man” – a quote by Louis Nizer. Words of comfort. My sister blessed me with those as a child.
Nicole was ten years older than me, but she was more my mother than my mother ever was. Any kindness, any encouragement, any affection – those all came from Nicole. Any bedtime stories or books read – those were Nicole, too. My big sister was the one who enrolled me in school, but she was also the one who woke me every morning to go there. And she protected me. Nicole shielded me from my father’s temper even knowing that he would just turn that rage on her. Amazingly, as a teenager she took me with her on dates to keep me out of harm’s way. Her protection gave me my first clue that physical violence was not acceptable. So, Nicole wasn’t just my big sister – she was also my hero.
Today my therapist tells me that I am just dealing with amnesia and repressed memories. Surprisingly, I never turned to drugs or alcohol or other high-risk behaviors to cope with the aftereffects of child abuse. My brain chose amnesia instead, a good thing even if I do grumble about it. Even more surprising is the lack of the Dissociative or Borderline Personality Disorders that plague so many child abuse survivors. My sister’s early nurturing is at least partially responsible for this blessing, and I am very, very grateful.
Please, never discount the value of words fitly spoken to a child.
Early Adulthood
Was I abused as a child? That question plagued me after I married because I really wasn’t sure. So, I turned to one of my favorite things – books. I thought surely there are books that would answer that question, books that would tell me how to handle it. But all my searches of the card catalog at the public library turned up absolutely nothing.
A few years later I learned of a free counseling clinic and made an appointment. I spent several weeks spilling all the secrets I recalled of my childhood. I also bought the relaxation tapes the counselor was selling. By the time I got to the end of my story I had bought all of his tapes. That’s when he decided we had nothing more to talk about. Counseling was over. It was a rather disappointing experience. But at least he did answer my question with a very resounding “yes!”
Middle Adulthood
Books on the subject of child abuse appeared but I didn’t really find anything particularly helpful. I did discover some Internet chat sites for adult survivors of child abuse. At first they seemed like a godsend – but I quickly changed my mind. Vivid descriptions of sexual abuse just upset me. Worse, too often those chats became a contest of who was abused the worst. That just did not feel helpful to me.
What was very helpful was a journal I wrote. I spent months wading through all the memories of my childhood – traumatic and mundane. I wrote about everything I could remember and how I felt about those events. It was a painful process but remarkably effective. Daily living eased significantly after that. I definitely recommend journaling.
Now
My life changed dramatically with the death of my husband in 2012. Together we had battled cancer for four years. We beat the first one but the second one got him. Four years into widowhood I decided that perhaps I needed some help.
I had dealt with some compulsive hand movements for years – at least according to my daughter. She was the only one who ever mentioned them to me. Suddenly what had only been a slight annoyance shifted into a major aggravation. I assumed this change was due to my husband’s death but also guessed my childhood issues were involved. So, I found a counselor in the area.
This counseling experience proved to be quite different from my first. Naturally it began with lots of talking on my part, but my therapist was soon giving me homework assignments. She assigned books to read – really good books that were actually helpful. She gave me relaxation exercises and tips to practice. Journaling had been helpful years ago, so she encouraged me with the new one I had begun. She also used a number of different therapy techniques – from just talking to hypnosis to cognitive behavior therapy. But when she switched to EMDR it was a game changer for me.