Two Diaries

“Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us.”

Oscar Wilde

Amnesia

The original Greek word “amnesia” simply means forgetfulness, but when we say “amnesia” today we generally refer to a dramatic form of memory loss. It’s a bit more serious than forgetting where you parked the car. There are a variety of amnesia types and causes. There’s Retrograde and Anterograde Amnesia. I’ve heard those names on doctor shows. They deal with memory loss surrounding a specific event such as not remembering what happened just before or after a car accident. Post-traumatic Amnesia can occur following a significant head injury and Infantile Amnesia affects almost everyone. That’s because the area of the brain that supports memory doesn’t fully develop until age 3 to 5.

But I am dealing with another type of amnesia – Dissociative Amnesia. According to statistics online this type of amnesia is rare. It affects only about 1% of men and 2.6% of women. Also, this type is related to severe stress or emotional trauma rather than having a medical cause and is often short in duration. A lost memory may be blocked and never really formed, or it can be dropped into a black hole somewhere in the brain and repressed. I experienced both of those. My brain had chosen amnesia as a coping mechanism when I was 4 and could not figure out any other way to survive the hurt. After that, when new traumas occurred it simply reverted to what it knew worked.

Repressed Memories

While trying to reconcile my two diaries I researched everything I could find online about repressed memories. Many sites gave basic information about memory and how emotional trauma may cause the brain to block a particularly hurtful one. Other websites called the idea of repressed memories a hoax or myth that science had discredited. They classed all repressed memories as false memories planted by unethical therapists during hypnosis. Other sites accepted that traumatic memories could be repressed but denied any possibility that those memories could be recovered later. Reading such accounts was very confusing and painful. I became distressed not only about the new traumatic images I was experiencing in my head but also the worry about if they were even real.

It turned out that they were very real, so I want to assure you of that upfront. None of my repressed memories surfaced due to hypnosis or suggestions from a therapist. And whenever possible I got confirmation that my repressed memory was valid from an outside source. My sister was very helpful with that.

Deja Vu

Repressed memories returning after such a long time feels really, really strange, to say the least. But I find it even stranger realizing that this isn’t the first time this has happened to me.

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• 1. Each time a new sexual trauma would start I would get flashbacks of the previous ones. It was a shock every time, but I did not usually keep the memories for long.
• 2. My full memory returned for almost the entire year that I was 16. It was a horrible year filled with depression and despair. I hung onto the memories despite that because they were a kind of armor. You can’t protect yourself from danger if you don’t know that danger exists – a definite drawback to this type of amnesia. However, the night of my 17th birthday I wiped those memories again. I simply could no longer cope.
• 3. About 3 months later my full memory returned again with a vengeance, but this time I reacted quite differently. I wasn’t depressed – I was just angry. I kept the memories for several months then consciously decided to wipe them again.
• 4. Horrendous nightmares started plaguing me in my early 20s, but I could never remember the details after waking. I now know that those nightmares were my memories trying to return.
• 5. And all of my life I have had flashes, images that I did not understand at all and could not identify. Now that the repressed memories have returned I know where those images originated.

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So, I need to do a rewrite on my two diaries. I must bring my two sets of memories together into one cohesive whole that is ME.